“Today was a teary day for me. Grief appears amid the most mundane moments. Grief is part of why I started this blog. Grief from losing my mother.” January 13th, 2022
I came during a time in your life where you were able to
Provide all you wanted for me, to enjoy the little things of me,
To have all that was good.
Your little girl
You had more money to splurge on my pretty dresses.
Oh my, how you loved dressing me up, doing my hair and doting on me.
You continued that even when I became a skinny teenager.
Even during our family years of strife with all of us as teenagers,
You still gave me unconditional love. You believed in me.
Trust became my undoing
I wasn’t ready for the world.
You had sheltered me so well that it led to my detriment.
I didn’t know the monsters that lurked about,
Waiting for pretty, young girls to pass by.
I trusted people. I believed in people.
It became my undoing.
Loving me through a nightmare
You continued loving me while I found my way out of that nightmare.
You insisted on seeing me even when I pushed you away. Even when
I couldn’t hide the bruises or black eyes. Yet you knew I had to free
Myself. It wasn’t something you could buy me.
Freedom can be temporary
The world wasn’t ready for me.
Once I was free from his torment and rebuilt my life
You again stepped in and provided relief with whatever means you could.
You came every weekend, almost. Groceries, diapers for the baby, formula too.
We spent so much time together throughout those years.
Strength in darkness
Then I disappeared again. Further away into the darkness of his world.
I trusted him, foolishly. Yet you were always there. When I found the courage
To reach out, to call and say hi, you always reached back. It may seem like
A small thing but it kept me alive during his raging madness. I never realized
You were my strength until much later in my life.
Then came the calm years for me. Rebuilt, rebooted, and reimagined.
I married, finished raising my children plus raised a couple of grandchildren,
visited on holidays and built more memories with you.
You visited us and joy was on your face for the life I had created.
Put your big girl panties on
When my next level of the journey came, you were the first person
I reached out to. I had to divorce and knew I needed my cheer leader.
You supported me from far away once again and gave me courage to
Put my big girl panties on and rebuild yet another new me.
Cheering each other
Your world had fallen apart during that time too.
My father, your husband and your strength passed away.
You had so many people pulling and pushing at you in the time after,
it was hard to watch. I encouraged you to do what was right for you.
As you had for me so very many times.
Then another level on the journey brought me closer to you.
We spent even more time together the last several years.
Coming to take you out to eat, go shopping, see a movie or
Come to my house and visit with the great grandkids.
All the way, you were my biggest cheer leader.
You were my loyal supporter. We became friends.
You sold the farm, auctioned all the equipment,
moved in town and began your decline.
It was a slow descent. Not intentional. Life was lonely.
You didn’t drive anymore. You didn’t like talking on the phone.
The woman before she was my mom
Over the last several years you shared your memories,
Childhood, school, teen years, even a lot of the marriage
Woes and good times too. I got to know the woman that
Was my mom before she was my mom.
We even talked about your burial wishes
And the music at your funeral. I wish I would’ve written it down.
We always think we’ll be able to remember
but shock, sorrow, and heartbreak keep a lot of details in the dark.
To say I miss you is an understatement. You were gone long before you
Left this world. We knew it was coming. Like a storm rolling in. You can
See the clouds building from far away, in the distance. You look and
Wonder how long it will take to approach. Some days it took forever.
Eye or edge of the storm?
Some days, it seemed like you were very present, and we would go places
and do things and you smiled and laughed, and we made memories.
Some days the clouds would explode into the heavens. You could
Feel the energy, see the tint changing color, hear the tingle of what
Was to become thunder and lightning.
Some days it seemed like you were buried underneath debris from some outer cosmic cataclysm.
I tried my best to unearth you, to reach the bottom of the vastness
You found yourself in…
Under the veil
Slowly, painfully, heartbroken, we watched you disappear into the abyss,
Under the veil of whatever had taken hold of you.
Finally swept away
Dementia, Alzheimer’s, or just pure mental illness, it stole you, your memories,
your judgement, your humor, your cheer leading skills, and I hated it.
Letting you go
I know you were past ready to leave this unforgiven life that you found yourself living.
I know that feeling all too well.
I am grateful that you were finally freed from the agony and pain you experienced
this last year or two. You did not deserve that agony and pain.
I am better for having known a mother like you. I am better at cheer leading my own
Children because of your skills in cheer leading me.
I will always be your baby girl Momma.
Please let me know your experiences and thoughts.
All the best to all who have lost loved ones,