This past year has been particularly rough, there was no preparing for it even though I knew it was coming, as many of you know, I lost my mother September 10th, 2021.
But I thought . . .
I thought when the one-year mark came it would somehow ease. I thought I could positively “think” it into the background. I thought if I shared enough, painted enough, cried enough, prayed enough and missed you enough that the pressure of knowing you were not here anymore, nor ever would be again would somehow disappear and along with it my grief, my sorrow and my heartbreak.
My whole being has been impacted by grief. It seeped into every part of me, everything I am and every day that I have been allowed to see. It seeped into the way things didn’t taste quite right, how songs seemed a little different, the lack of wanting to go out to eat because every time I did, I thought of our outings.
Grief was something I had known as a teenager when I gave my baby up for adoption. I dealt with it by being angry and acting out in rebellion. Grief was something I had known when I realized I was locked in a nightmare with a monster in an abusive domestic violent relationship. I almost drank myself to death over that grief. Grief was something I had known when I had to walk away from an 11-year marriage because of his lies and deceit. Loneliness, many nights of tears and learning how to let it go was my solace.
None of those could compare to the grief of losing you.
Is there a cure? Can I buy it? Is there a doctor? A treatment? Will it bring me peace? Will it bring me you?
Loss Touches Our Every Cell
Physically I felt so sick to my stomach some days, to the point of even throwing up a meal or two into the waste basket. Realizing I would never hold you again, nor bend my knees to hug you at your height or sit and hear you tell me the story of your father passing for the fiftieth time.
Mentally I wandered through our times together, wondered if there wasn’t something I could have done to help you, to ease your loneliness after dad passed, to bring you joy, comfort or happiness. Wandered down those memories to bring you back to my spirit who longed for you.
Emotionally I melted into your void in my life. I slipped into the absence of your being here. You had become a part of my everyday existence. I planned my life around seeing you, shopping for you, cleaning for you, sitting with you and just sharing time with you. You were such a big part of my weekends. We enjoyed movies, eating out, shopping, the grandkids and fortune cookies. Sometimes we just sat and watched a movie.
Spiritually I drowned in your loss, swam in my tears and floated in Gods grace. I asked for help. Please help me survive this. Help me find a way to deal with the pain, ache and loss. Thank goodness my Creator knows how to catch me, care for me amidst the sorrow and bring me back into the light of the living.
I had never been without you or your presence in my life. Even when I kept you at arm’s length I usually did so to protect you from seeing me in a particular light.
I miss her beyond what my words can describe to you, dear readers. I have searched for them, but this post and others are the best I can do. Sometimes language has no way to express the depths of our sorrow. That is acceptable. I think most of you either have known or will come to know the depths sorrow can reach inside your soul.
How do I do this mommy?
You left no suggestions, ideas or advice on this path. You did tell me you loved me so much. That love has helped to get me through this time.
I have no answers. I only know that you would want me to live. Your dream for me was to find love, joy and a life worth living. I will do my best as I wade through these waters of unfamiliar territory. I will be that strong little girl you believed in.
Heal while Grieving
I continue to grieve but as I do so I also have started and continue the healing process. Slowly, at times, unknowingly and unsurely.
YES, both can happen at the same time. Healing is an ongoing process as well. It is familiar even though this level of healing may require a bit more of a healthy dose of awareness.
Part of that healing process is taking better care of myself than I have been. I am one of those people who put the mask on, make it look good, you think I am okay but on the inside is a little girl crying, scared and hiding in the corner just wanting her mama.
My Internal Little Girl
I have learned over the years that I have the power to take care of that internal little girl better than anyone else. I know her joys, her strengths, her reasons, and I also know her secrets like not feeling that she’s good enough or smart enough or pretty enough. She is that and so much more. I am that and so much more.
I am learning that if I just let her lead me, she can show me the most beautiful reasons to keep believing in this world, in people and in love. Here’s to allowing our internal “littles” to shine the light through the darkness, “though she be but little she is fierce.” Here’s to allowing ourselves grace, time and room to grow as we grieve, heal and find a life worth living again without those precious souls we have lost. I will be lighting a few candles this season for those that have passed. Just a gesture of remembrance.
Loss In Our Lives
Grief. Is there a cure? Can I buy it? Is there a doctor? A treatment? Will it bring me peace? Will it bring me you?
I have read many articles, blogs and educational items on grief. I have seen people in therapy or on medicine for it. I have been to therapy to help get through it in the past. I never found peace. I found time. I found that time allowed me to find peace. I found that somewhere inside of me was the ability to find ways to work through all of that sadness, hurt, sorrow and anger that grief brought. I still experience the emotions grief brings from losing someone. I just process it a little differently as time passes. Please give yourself time.
I hope you will share your experiences and thoughts with me either in the comments below or send me an email.
All the best,